Artevice

Subsided Water

2011-11-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

It had been my father’s small ‘get-away’ – an odd building only 40 yards from the cottage itself. Its main components: a half bath with a flushable toilet (although it flushed into an outhouse style septic hole beneath the floor), a storage space with a work bench and a porch. The roof largely served as an overhang – a sort of front porch (without a house behind it.). My father retreated there to smoke, to listen to classical music, to sort through his tools, to sit on the swing and do his daily crossword and, of course, go to the bathroom - newspaper in hand. He had constructed a space that looked onto the rest of the property and had a view of the creek. The space, like he had always been, was slightly apart and in only several singular ways, practical.

I hadn’t considered the possibility of falling at all until I felt the roof succumb slightly to my weight. Although I avoided the edges, I thought more about the possibility of falling through than falling off. I tacked down a silver tarp over the area that had, from the inside, shown the worst signs of leakage. I nailed into the overhang and into the fascia. It was all I could invest in the time I had. Come spring, perhaps, I’d do it right – or perhaps some one else would. I took a picture of it – I’m not sure why.

Two weeks later the tarp stayed in place as the flood-water rushed just below it - within inches of the soffit. The contents were swept away – the porcelain water fountain my father installed ripped from the wall and his porch-swing torn from its chains. I took another picture and until I saw it later, I hadn’t realized how much cleaner it looked.

60 over 24

2011-05-07T06:17:00.000-07:00

The movement from the wheelchair to the toilet depleted his strength entirely. He struggled to breathe normally and leaned forward, forearms on his knees, until he gained composure. “I don’t know if I can pull myself out of it this time.” he said. I can’t remember what I said. I hope it doesn’t matter.

Two weeks later, I laid on the couch several feet the temporarily placed bed in the living room. The light from above the kitchen stove scumbled over the contents of the two rooms. Every time he stirred I awoke fully - repeatedly.

The next day at 9:34AM I emailed his blood pressure to myself with my iPhone – I’m not certain why I did this but I found it days later among previously dismissed communications. “60 over 24”

Five hours later, tired from the night before, I closed the door and laid diagonally on my parents’ bed – atop the floral comforter. I like to think I faded to sleep with my father’s fade to death. It was quiet and for both of us, perception slipped away from that perceived.

His death nearly lacked the character of an 'event.' It was just one moment moving to the next - and moving so smoothly that it really could have been any other moment at all. And that is what has changed me most – the striking similarity between that moment and any other since.

Nathaniel woke me. He put his hand on my calf that jutted over the bed’s edge. He shook me slightly and I turned. “He just passed.” he said.

Later he said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know what words to use.”

His words were perfect and I couldn’t imagine a better person to tell me them. Nathaniel was my older sister’s first child – the first grandchild. I was eleven or twelve years old when he was born and all my life I’ve associated him with youth and potential and life pulled to a new generation.

Years Earlier

2011-01-08T22:20:00.001-08:00

Her hand raised and touched her face. Her fingertips contacted her cheek and paused there - her flesh gave to the slight pressure. It was not a gesture that supported an expression and it had no decipherable intent. Although it looked like a touch to affirm her own presence – her own solidity - her eyes showed no manner of recognition or relief – no affirmation, no contradiction.

The movement was prompted by the spark of a single synapse – the first that would have, years earlier, set off the series necessary to generate the movement that bore meaning – a slight rub in response to a near imperceptible irritant on her cheek just below her right eye. She would have, years earlier, moved gracefully to the next function afforded her by mobility – a push of her glasses up the bridge of her nose, a brush of a hair from her forehead or a settling to her lap and a touch that recognized the insignificant texture of her polyester pants. Instead her hand moved down and away from her face and stopped for a long moment just inside her peripheral vision, and then it vanished. image source

Stream of Consciousness

2010-11-12T06:00:00.000-08:00

I am momentarily and strangely uncomfortable if I take a shower without first telling some one. It is usually a passing thought in a short-lived instant – just as I turn on the water I think, “I should have told some one.”

It typically passes along with the many other transitory mental moments that pop and disappear in the gray dribble between sub consciousness and functional thought. Yesterday it stayed with me though – and it begged contemplation.

I considered the fact that being alone, I am commonly and deeply imbedded in my thoughts when I shower. I wondered if, in some way, I feared just how deeply I could descend - perhaps passing over some ill-defined verge where the everyday would be irretrievable - where it would affect me corporeally and I would dissipate with the steam; “They would know I was in the shower when I disappeared – and that would explain everything. “ I thought.

When I inventoried my thoughts I realized that when I’m in the shower I am not moving intently from notion to notion or employing my time alone in serious contemplation - but rather, I move randomly. One inane thought prompted from the previous and so often just reiterations. The shampoo. The razor. The washcloth flung over the showerhead’s pipe. Perhaps I am afraid I could easily get lost in those thoughts – I would slide away into the familiar and blend into the even grid of the shower stall tiles.

I moved on and opened the bathroom door and chilled dry bedroom air swept in. And then I remembered.

My father was a plumber; I say ‘pipefitter’ to sound more impressive and so does he. Despite – or maybe because of - the complex array of valves and holding tanks, by-passes and heat-traps, he added to the plumbing in the home where I grew up, the system seemed to prioritize a flow of water in manners intent on supplying unpredictable discomfort to everyone involved. Taking a shower with house full of people moving about their day was a risky endeavor. The sudden shifts in pressure and flow seemed to have little connect to the abrupt change in temperature. You could be scalded by a dribble of water, then chilled by the same, assaulted with a blast of high pressure water only to be thrown through a moment of warm comfort to a blast of flesh-searing steam. That is, unless you told some one you were taking a shower.

We all knew what it was like so we respected each other’s shower time – though only to a limited extent. We had about 15 minutes before domestic activities involving water would recommence and set off the torturous shifts. If they happened sooner than that, you would hear my Dad yell, “Yeeeeooooww!” from the basement shower or my sister scream down from upstairs, “Could some one turn off the dishwasher!”

how good are your dwelling places (3 of 3)

2010-01-17T08:35:00.000-08:00

Finding Maywood is part of an installation at Koffler Arts Centre’s off-site gallery and part of “how good are your dwelling places.” Finding Maywood resituates, wallpaper, carpeting and other materials placed in my Rochester residence by its former owner. The materials, salvaged

during our renovations, reappear here in a presentation that responds to the general architecture and the quirky cubbies of the domestic space adopted by the Koffler Arts Centre. These installations attempt to create a conduit between my tastes and theirs and now and then – a connection to what was lost inside of our gain.

Cyril Reade contributed to the placement of these mini-installations. Faeeza Masood helped with the preparation for this exhibition. Jen Burger made this entire installation what it is through patient assistance, tireless commitment and creative input – all in the context of an unheated building without running water. I am greatly appreciative of their contributions and everyone else’s involved.

how good are your dwelling places (2 of 3)

2010-01-17T06:43:00.000-08:00

An Earlier Account is a video installation at Koffler Arts Centre’s off-site gallery and part of “how good are your dwelling places.” Other artists in the exhibition include filmmaker Rita Bakacs, Susan Lakin, and Ross Racine. An Earlier Account employs six projections in the kitchen of a former Toronto residence scheduled for demolition. Three pairs of projections situate over eight hundred drawings of a casserole dish, a pressure cooker and a slow cooker in two cabinets and a refrigerator. They represent the different cooking utensils kept in Jewish kitchens that separate those used for dairy from those used for meat. They are fictionalized traces of some one else’s everyday – evidence of an embedded ritual that affix objects and individuals.

Emma Vann helped out with the drawings that became the projections; her creativity and patience are greatly appreciated. And I certainly felt good going into this with Daniel Cosentino as technical back-up.

how good are your dwelling places (1 of 3)

2010-01-16T15:31:00.000-08:00

Shelly's Appliance, in situ, found materials and video, 2009

I was brought up to believe a home was what you made of it.

Having been raised in the coal regions of the northeastern U.S., my exposure to varied religions and cultures was limited to attending Greek Orthodox Church services on certain occasions and eating Italian food in a Polish-owned restaurant. In 2005, my own family moved to a suburb of Rochester, NY that offered the most for our children’s education – a nationally ranked school district started by a largely Jewish community. It is now a somewhat diversified neighborhood although our immediate neighbors - all older Jewish - are pleasant reminders of its early development. Sylvia Weinthal sold us the house after building it and raising her family in it for forty-five years. Making the house our own meant taking it from its past. Within a day of possession we began to strip away its history - the record of a family and its routine intersections with objects and spaces. This has meant replacing elements of the home that were sanctified by the Weinthals’ constant presence and day-to-day tendencies with our own. I have never been entirely comfortable with that.

Sarah's Appliance, in situ, found materials, 2009

My art is both the transformed material evidence of my past and a surrogate for the missing. I draw on images, objects, and memories to form reliquaries of unconscious associations. All our experiences, performed imagined, past and future are inextricably linked to the objects and spaces that comprise our environment. For “how good are your dwelling places.” and exhibition organized through the Koffler Arts Centre and curated by Cyril Reade, I have focused my art production on my current domestic residence – what it had, what it has lost, what I want it to have, and how those relate to a collective understanding of domestic environments and cultural displacement, permanence, integration, and ignorance.

The works include fictional artifacts alongside real ones taken from my home, as well as hybrids of the fictional and the actual. All of the objects speak mostly to loss. The things in this installation pictured here attempt to recall an indistinct past that seeps into the malformed present. My inability to effectively call my past to the service of my present and my cultural ignorance surface through the camouflage of humor and dysfunction of seemingly functional objects and images.

The mezuzot temporarily affixed at the Koffler exhibition site came from the doorways inside the home where I currently reside. The Weinthals’ mezuzah remains on the frame of the front exterior door of my home.

The Hamlet

2009-11-07T08:22:00.000-08:00

I drove my car – fast – through a pile of leaves this morning – I enjoyed watching them ride in the air current that curled around the rear of the car and then disappear.

Before - when I used to read things other people wrote that had nothing to do with what might become a resource for my students or a direction for my art - I used to read William Faulkner.

I have a terrible memory for novels and can barely recall the plot-lines of any of his stories although I believe I’ve read nearly every one. I don't think I was ever really taught how to read properly. I guess I’m content in knowing that I enjoyed them while I read them. I do remember several characters but only in the same way I remember high-school friends – in their general actions and apart from details that provide definition – except for Ike Snopes.

Ike is an idiot. He is an amoral being incapable of comprehending his own existence in the dark. Ike lacks connectivity to an agreed upon code of time and he is entirely without moral sensibility. Ike is responsible for two things – sweeping the porch and making his bed. Two things are important to him, a block of wood he constantly drags behind him with a string and a cow with which he is quite intimate.

Ike’s time is the immediate moment and, if anything else, merely comprehensions of the familiar. No memories, no recollections. “Yesterday was not, tomorrow is not, today is nearly a placid and virginal astonishment at the creeping ridge of dust and trash in front of the broom and the sheet coming smooth.” ("The Hamlet") He can see no further in the past than the block he drags behind him.

How wonderful it would be to be entirely unaware of what we should have done, to live only in the moment we inhabit, in a space that is amoral and amorphous – edges rounded naturally from a flow that is undetectable – spared from all consequence. How horrible it would be too.

Labeled Clothing

2009-10-25T07:56:00.000-07:00

Down the nursing-home hallway was an old friend of Mammam’s – but they knew nothing of each other anymore. Anna Johns was a bit more alert than Mammam at this point and, just as Mammam did earlier, she could converse in a chit-chat manner that didn’t always immediately make clear her mental limitations. I visited The Manor with my father and we paused in front of Anna. My father said in that tone reserved for children and geriatrics, “Hia Anna! How are you?” “I’m good. Who are you?” she said immediately. “I’m Rose Topolski’s son, Walter.” No response. My father asked, “Do you know what your name is?” She promptly reached down, took the light blue slipper from her left foot and read the label inside, “Anna Johns.” she said confidently.

A Violet and a Rose

2009-10-24T12:15:00.000-07:00

At first we would bring Mammam home from the nursing home for Sunday afternoon visits but as she began to resist return, those visits became less frequent and eventually stopped. Visiting Mammam, surrounded as she was, with people in similar mental states, was always funny, exhausting and heartbreaking. I remember wanting to go and then, upon arriving, I would immediately want to leave. The halls smelled of living decay, excrement, cafeteria food and disinfectant.

Mammam’s first roommate was Violet. I forget her last name. Violet probably weighed no more than 85 pounds and spent most of her time sitting in silence propped up in a wheelchair/highchair hybrid. On a somewhat regular basis, Violet would brace herself, take a few deep breaths and scream a brief obscenity in a volume that was highly disproportional to her frame. The otherwise quiet hallway would suddenly be filled with an ear-piercing “BASTARD!” or a blaring “FUCK!” You could see that this was not a small task for Violet and after a while we became familiar with the build-up of energy she needed to let loose these bits of her limited vocabulary. She would sit up a bit, take one or two deep breaths and one of us would intervene, “Violet!” we’d warn sternly. Her exhale would deflate her posture and her body would slouch in a bit of resolve - she’d quietly murmur, “fuck.”

As the Crow Flies

2009-10-23T19:52:00.000-07:00

My father later said that it was the most difficult thing he had done in his life. Before he took Mammam to the nursing home – The Manor, they called it - there was a long discussion about the idea of having her live with us in our house. I don’t remember who thought what, but I remember that it was a discussion had time over time for a number of years leading up to her admission. I don’t recall a debate on the decision.

The Northumberland County Mountain View Manor is on Trevorton Road. Looking at it from a distance one can realize just how close our house (A) was to The Manor (B). Because of the terrain, the roads had been built to climb the mountains in a serpentine fashion. From our house to The Manor was nearly a three mile drive - but as the crow flies, it very close. I didn’t know that then.

They told my parents that it would be best if we didn’t visit her for a while at first; they wanted her to acclimate to her environment. Her environment wasn’t entirely new to her however. Many years earlier but only several years after Dzjajie died, Mammam found it necessary to seek employment. After some training she took a position as a ‘Nurse’s Aid’ at The Manor. Years later, as a patient there, she thought she was at work again and she turned out to be a great help around the nursing home. As her Alzheimer’s progressed that changed and, for a period, her risk of flight was high. She wanted to leave. Eventually she didn’t understand the possibility of leaving. Then her brain stopped running her body and she was bed-ridden. She was in a fetal position when she died.

Wedding Portrait

2009-10-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

Shoo Fly Pie and Apple Pandowdy

2009-10-12T16:26:00.000-07:00

Memory and communication are similar in that we long to have both in some pure sense. With both, our best gauges are far too susceptible to contamination to make them reliable.

I recently had the chance to spend time with my mother, whose hearing has declined significantly, and my father, who has progressed beyond the first stages Alzheimer’s. Among other variables, communications between them hinge and sway on the general comprehension of the moment at hand and the irregularities of ambient sound. Similar symptoms manifest themselves in their conversation regardless of the cause.

“What’s in them?” My father pointed to two white unmarked pie boxes on the counter.

“Pie – I told ya three times!” She was putting away the dishes.

“Ooh – what kind?”

“I said before - there is what is left of the raisin one and there is a new Shoo-fly Pie.”

My father immediately broke into singing what was clearly the closing line of a song, “Shoo-fly pie and apple pandowdy, I never get enough of that wonderful stuff!” My mother joined him to sing the same line again and when I said that I never heard that song before, neither of them heard me over their own voices. Apart from that line, neither of them knew any other lyrics.

My mother took a plate from in front of my father, "That dish isn't clean." he said.

My mother turned her head quickly toward me, "Did he say that fish ain't meat?"

I laughed and said loudly, “No Mom – he said that that dish isn’t clean.”

“Oh – I know that!” she said, slightly irritated.

I wasn't certain that she heard me and I didn’t know who she was talking to. I didn’t know if what she knew was that the dish wasn’t clean or she did in fact hear what he said.

I looked at my father as he began singing again and realized that he was unaware that he had not been heard. I thought about what that meant and wondered how often it happened in their every day. “Oftener and oftener.” I said softly aloud.

HabliMat

2009-10-07T17:25:00.001-07:00

(re)naming and (re)collecting

2009-10-07T05:23:00.000-07:00

My Dad went by Walt, Wally, Vwadje, and earlier in his life, Tippy. It seems that everyone that is my father’s childhood friend had an alternate name - Jimmy Pickles is my favorite. We called my mother’s brother Uncle Buck although his name was Paul. (I was told he was in a gang in his youth – they called him Buck Rogers and part of it stuck.) We called our godparents and family friends ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle’ although they were technically neither: Aunt Peggy, Aunt Pattie, Aunt Louise, Uncle Charlie and Uncle Richie. We called my Mom’s mother Mammam Dando; she was rarely in our company so we referred to her in a manner that mostly served to differentiate her from my Dad’s mother - we just called her Mammam. We called Dad's father Dzjajie. ('jȯ-jē )

I have only one recollection of Dzjajie. He shifted on the burgundy naugahyde of what I understood to be ‘his’ chair to give me space, not on his lap but next to it. I squeezed between him and the chair’s arm and my feet dangled far from the floor. He smelled of work – burned flux and freshly welded metal. It was a smell that became very familiar years later – the smell of my father just coming home from work. He would kiss my head as he went to the basement – ‘the cellar,’ we called it – to take a “quick shower” before dinner. (My father always says he is taking a “quick shower” and my mother always says she is going to “hop in the tub.” I’m not certain why their bathing always seems to have time constraints.)

I made a linoleum-block print with an image of Dzjajie’s chair on it; below it was text describing the single memory I maintain of my grandfather. My mother saw the print in a local exhibition that she and Dad came to Rochester to see. “You can’t remember Dzjajie! You’re remembering a picture,” she said – “its at home in the box with all the old photographs.” A heavy cardboard “Clark’s Poultry” box stamped with a red silhouette of a rooster holds the collection of old photographs. On my next several visits home I methodically mined through decades of images but I could not find it.

\ˈsen(t)s\

2009-10-06T11:18:00.000-07:00

Howard Hughes died around that time and the earlier made-for-TV movies that chronicled his life and forecasted his death were playing in reruns on Saturday afternoons. Hughes, according to the stories, would separate and consume his peas by size and in order. He would also collect and stock the fingernail clippings and hair he would acquire from his annual personal hygiene sessions. The notion of such eccentric behavior was entertaining at the time. But I was stunned when I realized that the small plastic-wrapped bundles on the door and bottom shelves of Mammam’s side-by-side freezer contained her garbage.

My mother sorted the frozen trash from the edible goods and I brought the galvanized garbage can in from outside under the fire escape to make the disposal easier. The garbage-man had apparently made his weekly rounds and the can was empty. Mammam said little if anything about the my mother's activity - she never really stopped talking, but she said little that addressed that day’s goings-on specifically.

Several days later my father sat at the round kitchen table in Mammam’s kitchen. It was located under a small awning window situated near the metal fire escape that lead to the apartment upstairs. Three days of August heat had cooked the garbage and a dreadfully unpleasant odor wafted inside. No one had to tolerate that smell earlier that summer and afterwards, realizing this, we let Mammam dispose of her garbage the way she wanted – an odorless way.

Tharptown

2009-10-05T05:34:00.000-07:00

My parents moved out of the apartment above Mammam and Dzjajie’s when my mother felt that Mammam was getting too possessive of my sister Donamarie. They moved to an apartment in Tharptown a couple blocks away from the house I lived in until I went to college. The owners of the house at the time, Dot and Merle Beaver, lived downstairs and the arrangement was not dissimilar to the one my parents escaped. Eventually, Dot who had never had children of her own, became very possessive of my sister as well.

Pictured above are Donamarie, Paulie my cousin, and my brother. It was Jan’s first birthday and they were posing on and near the yellow, gray and black patterned dinette set that moved with them to their next house; it resided in our kitchen until I was a teenager. The original image was taken about six years before I was born in the apartment above the Beaver’s – I think that is Dot’s arm on the right reaching in to make sure Jan didn’t tip backwards. That is probably Dot’s purse on the left. Next to it on the counter is something that only exists in this image and earlier versions of it – I put it there about eight years ago. It is an appliance of sorts with a function that addressed a very specific need common in kitchens of that earlier era and now.

Kapusta-Head

2009-10-04T15:31:00.000-07:00

On top of Mammam’s refrigerator – on the edge, just within her reach – was a thing that defies categorization. It was plastic and its base resembled a terracotta plant pot. From the textured plastic that tried to imitate soil in the pot sprung a plastic plant/figure. All its parts were shaped like vegetables but configured to look like a person – celery arms, cabbage head, but yet black eyes with long lashes that looked like no part of any vegetable. It was meant to be funny and it was.

Mammam would see it on the fridge, grab it and set it on the kitchen counter so I could see it better. She did this often. A single visit might involve several exchanges regarding the figure – sometimes it would never be mentioned; its frequencey had mostly to do with whether or not she happened to see it.

“And did you see my Kapusta-head!” she would say. She would laugh. She laughed often. We would stray away from the topic and she would return when she spotted it again. She’d laugh, grab it and say, “And did you see my Kapusta-head!”

Changing Spaces

2009-10-02T08:44:00.000-07:00

My father remodeled Mammam’s house several years before she went to the nursing home. He replaced two double-hung windows in the upstairs bedroom at the front of the house with two smaller awning windows. He chose to place them fairly high on the wall so furniture could fit below and so as to increase privacy; the windows were in the front bedroom of the apartment above my grandmother’s bedroom. There had not been tenants for many years but my father had a plan that would eventually change that.

My grandmother was short – very short. Next to my Grandfather– a muscular and slender 6’3” - she seemed even shorter. She used to call him a “big lug” – “Get outta here ya big lug ya!” she’d say, chasing him out of the kitchen.

That was earlier.

That day she heard my father upstairs installing the windows and went up to investigate. “Hi Mom!” my father said, “What do you think of the new windows?”

“Yeah – yeah” she said under her breadth as she walked up to one of them. “I can hardly but see outta them bein’ up so high!” She reached up and grabbed the window sill plate with both her hands, her knuckles whitened slightly. She wanted to pull the space down to her level – as if the pine two-by-fours defining the structure would compress and stretch, “Can’t ya just slide them down a little bit?”

The solids where she resided were compliant – glass was permeable and space was tied to no specific time.

Tea

2009-09-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

Several months before my grandfather died, Mam- mam was making tea and as she carried a soup-pot of boiling water to the table where the cup and tea bag waited, somehow – for some reason - she fell. Boiling water splashed on her upper chest and down her left arm. She was alone but somehow managed to reach the phone. When admitted to the hospital she took a room on the floor above my grandfather’s. She had multiple operations in which the top two layers of her epidermis and a layer of her dermis were taken from donor sites on her upper thigh and grafted to her chest and arm. She was in excruciating pain when she visited her husband from her own hospital room but she never told him about the accident – he died there without knowing.

Many years later, and after the third teakettle in as many weeks, my mother started wondering what was happening to them. After the fifth she found out. The snow was heavy that winter and when it finally started to melt in early March it revealed the remnants of four aluminum teakettles; the bottoms of each were melted away. Mammam would put water on the stove for tea and then forget to take it from the electric burner, the water would dissipate and the aluminum would dissolve on the red-hot surface. She hid the kettles in the snow under the hydrangea bush because she knew that evidence of such an incident would certainly prompt disconcertion – especially with her tainted record of teapot toting. She was correct. That spring, concerned with her ability to navigate the necessities of the everyday, my parents took her to a nursing home – the same one in which she had worked as a nurse’s aid years earlier.

Spelling and Alzheimer's

2009-09-28T17:54:00.000-07:00

As we cleared the last of Mammam’s belongings from her house we found several notes that she had written. They were written for anyone - including herself. My favorite was found in a box under her bed on top of a carefully folded George Washington coverlet . It read, "Bedspred. Bedspread. Beadspred. Here it is. There it is. Ha Ha Ha."

Keepings

2009-09-27T20:40:00.000-07:00

On the side of the kitchen cupboard near the entry to Mammam’s dining room, hung a dinner plate. Carefully cut felt was glued to the surface - the word ‘Rose’ was near the bottom and the image above it was a woman’s profile. She wore a black hat and tulle covered the top half of her face. Mammam had wrapped the plate with Saran-Wrap.

When I was eleven or twelve I drew a rose for Mammam – her name was Rose. I drew it on half a sheet of loose-leaf paper. I drew it in pencil and next to it I carefully printed, “A Rose for Rose.” Years later, my father found it among things she apparently valued. It was in a small black leather change bag that she kept in her purse. It was folded a few times and it was stored there for safe keeping along with one clip-on earring, several bobby-pins, a holy card and a ‘Keep on Truckin’’ key chain.

A Later Version of Now

2009-09-26T10:25:00.000-07:00

I never arrived at Mammam’s to find her sleeping – regardless of the time of day. And the fact that she used her queen size bed as a storage surface made me wonder where she slept – as well as when. I remember considering that perhaps she didn’t sleep – that it wasn’t just her mind that wended through memories merged with dreams and vice versa. I considered that, in our absence perhaps her reality shifted to a site, made in part, from an earlier version of then - the places we only find in our sleep and our half-waking thoughts and the space between remembering and forgetting. I make it sound pleasant because I wanted it to be that way – with sepia tones and blurred edges - but I’m certain it must have also been for her, at times, horrifying.

My father remodeled Mammam’s house in the years before she went to the nursing home. The alterations included the addition of a large ‘picture’ window in what was originally the second living room - now her bedroom. The upstairs had been separated into an apartment many years earlier when my parents lived there as newlyweds.

We entered the bedroom with Mammam leading the way – calling us in eager to share her discovery. Laid out on the bed was the entirety of Mammam’s jewelry collection – all that she had accumulated over many years. It was laid down with precision, the necklaces in teardrop shapes with the matching earrings inside. Bracelets lined the one edge of the bed and several small jewelry boxes, now empty, rested on the pillows. Rings were placed in lines and pressed into the texture of the George Washington Bedspread to lay flat. “Look!” she said, “The jewelry store truck just backed up to the window and this is what came out!” She moved her hands in a slow gesture that mimicked that of a magician guiding a levitated body. The jewelry had moved just as we saw it there, from the truck, through the window and on to the bed. All of it was new to her and she was stunned by its sudden appearance.

I have kept one of her clip-on earrings as I found it, in a small leather change purse that she carried in the handbag she had to often hide from the son-of-a-bitch that tried to take it.

Hopping Hearts

2009-09-15T17:58:00.000-07:00

Certain visual cues would prompt specific stories from Mammam. My brother used to enjoy pointing out the various cues – sometimes repeatedly. Mammam would unknowingly oblige – again and again and again. It sounds mean, I know, but we needed to laugh - we couldn’t cry any more.

When Mammam walked in our kitchen in Tharptown, something there would prompt her to tell us about Dyngus Day – a story that took place in her youth, as most did, when the girls chased the boys with long switches – whipping their legs as they ran. Only now, with a knowledge of that tradition, do I realize the humor she saw in that story. Frankly, I also find it easy to imagine the joy one might get from dumping water on some one’s head to wake them in the morning – something else that was apparently common on Dyngus Day.

Mammam would look out her front window at the low ridge where the railroad track used to be and she would tell us about the time the train hit the cow. In its repeated telling the story slipped away from its inceptive moment and as it slipped, exaggerations and related notions clung. Every time she told a story it was a new truth.

As I recall it, she and the other neighborhood kids were playing in the field around the tracks when a train struck a cow that was standing in its path. “That train hit it SO hard it knocked its heart right out of its body, but that heart kept beating and beating! It beat so hard that it bounced all the way down the tracks to the silk mill!” She would imitate its movement with her hand on the counter in a gesture that might also illustrate the hopping of a bunny. The silk mill was about a half mile from where the cow was struck. She’d continue, “That heart beat and beat all the way to Franklin Street and we chased it and chased and it just kept hop-hop-hopping! – all the way down to the silk mill! – we chased it and laughed and laughed!”

This current map of a section of Shamokin shows the route the heifer's heart hopped (A) – it went in a westerly direction. B is the site of the former Eagle Silk Mill, C is where Mammam lived most of her adult life, D is where my parents currently reside and E indicates the house where my father was born.

Son of a Bitch

2009-09-14T18:22:00.000-07:00

It was always the fault of “some son-of-a-bitch.”

Whenever something didn’t go well, when something like Mammam’s purse was missing, she always blamed “some son-of-a-bitch.” “Some son-of-a-bitch stole my purse!” she’d say on the phone, “You better get up here!” We would search her house thoroughly and find it wrapped in a large towel and hidden in the back of the linen closet. She would hide her purse from the son-of-a-bitch, forget where she put it and declare that some son-of-a-bitch took it. When we would find it she’d say, “Who’s the son-of-a-bitch that put it there!” It was an endless son-of-a-bitch of a cycle.

“Hia Mammam, it’s Allen, your grandson.” I was never certain she knew who I was – she seemed to, but one would expect that.

“Oh, hiya!”

“Mammam, I’m going to come up to your place in a little while, why don’t you tell me if you need any groceries.” Her short-term memory was nearly gone so I made an attempt to talk her through a process that would lead me to the acquisition of some sound information. “Go to the refrigerator and see if you need milk or butter – milk or butter Mammam – try to remember that. Tell me what you’re looking for?”

“Okay. Yeah – yeah, milk or butter, milk or butter –“ I repeated the plan several times and I was certain she had it. She set the phone down on the table near the entrance to the kitchen and I could hear her, “milk or butter, milk or butter.” She said it softly and as she walked into the kitchen her voice faded further. I could hear a few noises in the background and I waited. I waited some more and I could hear her talking but I couldn’t decipher her words - until she approached the phone, then I heard, “Who is the son-of-a-bitch that left the phone off the hook?” a click and then a dialtone.

Gettysburg's Cannon

2009-09-12T18:54:00.001-07:00

The phonebook that year had a grid of nine images on its cover; each celebrated part of Pennsylvania’s history: the Liberty Bell, a covered bridge, a statue of William Penn, a round barn, Independence Hall, a locomotive, an Amish horse and cart and some Mountain Laurel. The lower right image was a cannon from Gettysburg’s Civil War battlefields.

The phone rang. It was what we called “Mammam’s hotline.” My parents had decided to get an additional phone line. We listed only our new number and we gave our new number to family and friends; except Mammam, she had our old number – 648-9649 – scrawled on a piece of paper beside her phone. She would dial it, talk to us, and frequently, after just hanging up, call us back, having no recollection of just speaking to us. We would make a point of answering it every once in a while but some days the phone rang continuously. My mother counted 40 calls one afternoon. Other days she wouldn’t call at all; we’d always make sure we drove over to see her those days.

“Hia! Hey, - hey” she would start talking before we would even say a word. She only needed to hear the ringing stop and her lips took off like horses from the gates. “I got the new phone book here!” She was very excited. “It’s nice on the front there. There’s the Liberty Bell, a covered bridge like the one there in, uh, you know ? Down by the – it has a roof on it, there is the statue of George Washington and the Amish buggy and then after that there’s – uh – some flowers and then, uh, there is, that uh – “ She went from left to right down the grid of nine images. When she got to the last one her synapses just failed. They didn’t connect to something similar in function, they didn’t connect to something similar in appearance. They connected to nothing. If she didn’t know it, it was unknown. There” she said, “ - there is something you or I know nothing about.”

Lost Spitball

2009-09-11T18:50:00.000-07:00

My father claims we were related to Stanley Coveleski – cousins. The brothers that owned the gas station on the corner of Sunbury and Shamokin Streets – they were our cousins. The woman that lived across from St. Ed’s playground – she was a cousin. The guy with the handle-bar mustache - a cousin. The number of cousins that my father claims we have prompts a concern that somewhere along the line there was some accidental inbreeding.

The newspaper delivery-girl stood just inside Mammam’s kitchen door; our silence made the circumstance a little awkward. The longer it took Mammam to find her purse, the more awkward it got. “Mammam, she’s waiting to get paid.” I yelled. “Yeah, yeah, I’m comin!” - but she wasn’t. When I called to her a fifth time she interrupted my words with a sudden entrance. “Hey! Looky at what I got!” She was holding a set of rabbit ear antennae – the kind to receive UHF-VHF television channels from inside the house. “How about that!” She extended it toward the delivery-girl and I wasn’t sure if she was offering a closer inspection or an alternative means of payment. The girl took a small step backward toward the closed screen door. Mammam asked, “What the hell do you think somebody’d do with this?” I said, “Mammam, where’d you get that? “ and immediately, “I don’t think she wants that - you need to find your purse.” “Oh yeah , yeah okay.” She set the antennae on the table right in front of me. The one side was half-way retracted and the other fully extended, the thin flat cable attached to it almost reached the floor. She exited the kitchen again to return, surprisingly, almost immediately, with her purse. After some further coaching and a few reiterations of the amount due, the delivery girl was finally able to provide change and leave.

At that time we had already long gotten over any embarrassment Mammam used to cause us – we no longer even tried to explain her behavior to anyone. And we didn’t ask her about it either. When I pulled up to the curb that day to find her outside in 35 degree weather without a coat, I didn’t ask her why she was out, I just ushered her in. Like most days, she was wearing a light blue hat that looked like a turban. She also wore a loose fitting flowery blouse with a small white terry-cloth wash cloth safety-pinned to it at an angle just under her chin. Her sleeves were rolled up and so was one of her pant legs – half way up her shin – the other was down to her foot. Her shoes were a bit too dressy for the occasion – especially considering that the occasion was merely a trip outside to the patch of grass in front of the house.

It was the delivery-girl’s brother that we suspected of stealing from Mammam. His first name ended with a ‘y’ – like Timmy or Jimmy I think. I’m guessing that the baseball with Stanley Coveleski’s signature was among the first things pocketed . It disappeared one day after years perched on top of a silver bud vase in the living room. I've always hoped that Jimmy didn’t know any better and just used it as a regular baseball. I hope it got hit into some over-growth and stayed there for years - until it decayed.

A Rose for Rose

2009-09-10T23:58:00.000-07:00

I sat at the small kitchen table with Mammam Topolski, my father’s mother, standing next to me. She cut a thick pat of butter from one of the quarter-pound sticks I just brought her from Weis’s market. She ate it off the knife. She ate it like it was cheese. And she enjoyed it – she said so.

I was 16 and the fact that Mammam’s Alzheimer’s disease had progressed to the point that she needed daily visits worked out well for me. I jumped on every excuse I could to get in the car with my new driver’s license. The extensive time I eventually spent with her impacted the direction of my art making like no other singular experience.

Mammam talked incessantly; because of this there was little difference between the notions that passed through her mind and the ones that passed through her lips. I’ll devote the next bunch of entries to Mammam’s stories. It is significant to note that these are recollections of recollections – gathered time and time over, they are both incredibly precise and entirely unreliable.

I recall one very specific instance where, in the midst of a narrated recollection of hers, I realized that she was there – inside her story - and I was with her. She was in that prior time and place and I was next to her in a revised reality. She didn’t know who I was specifically but she knew I was some form of the actual blood-relationship we had – I was her husband, or her son or her grandson – that didn’t matter really. I was familiar and comfortable in a significant way.

She wrapped the butter as she continued to speak, put it in the box and turned away to place it on the door shelf of her avocado-green Amana side-by-side refrigerator.

Sammy

2009-09-07T15:35:00.000-07:00

His fingers, some of them stubs, grasped his half emptied thermos of tea - he leaned under the arch of our kitchen entry, "Lets hit the bricks Annie." He’d say that every time they got ready to head home. Behind him, the cabinets he built lined the rear wall of our kitchen. They were freshly repainted bright yellow. The black colonial-looking handles had little faux dings all over them – as if they’d been rendered from raw steel with a ball-peen hammer – they didn’t fool me.

Uncle Sammy was a small-framed guy, patient and quiet. He taught my sister and my brother how to drive – mostly because he was patient and quiet. He died before I was sixteen and I didn’t get the privilege of his tutelage. My driving record, however, remains much better than that of my siblings. And the fact that he was never able to teach Aunt Anna has me considering that he was more willing than (cap)able.

Uncle Sammy worked in the silk mill his entire life. He was the mechanic that repaired the machines as they would break or jam. Over years he lost the tips of several of his fingers to the gears of the looms – some, just a bit – others below the first knuckle. I’m guessing that the losses occurred with little drama – that he was back to work the next day, changing his bandages at break time.

The things Uncle Sammy made in the evenings in his garage – the kitchen cabinets, the toy boxes and lawn ornaments – supplied him with rare opportunities to work beyond the purely functional.

He cut a mother-duck and three duckling shapes from ¾” pine, painted them and extended a metal rod from the base to form the lawn ornaments that I found myself pulling up before mowing many years after his death. I’d replace them carefully - in the same exact spots Aunt Anna placed them - when I finished mowing.

Being Where I Want to Remember

2009-09-06T09:03:00.000-07:00

Aunt Anna never drove a car – well, except for that time she tried. The dark blue Hudson got strung up on the high curb outside 1064 Pine – its back bumper against the phone pole at the sidewalk’s edge.

I was seven before I knew her name was ‘Anna.’ (The coal region slur mingled the words – we called her, “Andana.”) I was eight before I knew that Uncle Sammy was her brother, not her husband. I was seventeen before I knew she was still a virgin. I was forty-three when she died that way.

My mother was raised in that tiny house with four adults plus Joannie during the summer. There was only a toilet; aside the stall – between that and the shelves with the canned goods - they leaned the large galvanized tub that they’d fill with water for a bath. We would hear Uncle Sammy call up from in the basement kitchen, “Annie, come wash my back for me would ya?” My sister would say “Eeeeww!” with her lips but stop the sound from coming out. My mother would tell me to pick up the toys before we left and I’d put them in the sea-foam green bucket that was kept behind the couch. Though it lacks some of the best toys it held then, like the red Cadillac with the white interior, the bucket is in my studio. It is tucked back on the shelf near what I claim to be my father’s childhood violin - or what is left of it.

I keep things like that - or facsimiles - in my studio hoping that their histories will leak out and seep in.

Remembering Where I Used to Be

2009-09-05T10:23:00.000-07:00

Mammam Dando’s chameleon moved unseen among the leaves at the window and the lace curtains. Invented stories and wooden blocks busied me. Mom would close the bedroom door to keep me out while she cleaned the bed.

I don’t remember the bathroom.

I don’t remember the room off the kitchen.

I do remember the living room where I played on the floor near the broken TV. Above the bristly green couch was “Christ In The Garden Of Gethsemane.” The linoleum near the wall looked like wood and the carpet was worn to the backing in a path that rounded the coffee table. Everything was old but everything was clean.

I only ever had one cap gun, but she called me “Two Clicks.” A good name, even next to “Buckles and Bears,” the uniformed cop that often visited for reasons that only now prompt conjecture. The woman from upstairs had no teeth; I don’t remember her name – or her nickname. It wasn’t Mable – Mable and Red were her other friends that lived on Sunbury street. The woman from upstairs would often sit on the steps just outside the apartment door in the large foyer where it always felt cool. My mother would stop to talk and their voices would bounce off the high tin ceiling. I’d look out the door to Tom Olsey’s Pharmacy where the people behind the counter knew my name.

I don’t remember Mammam ever out of bed.

I don’t remember ever staying very long.

As I Recall It

2009-09-04T19:26:00.000-07:00

"... the transactions between people and the things they create constitute a central aspect of the human condition. Past memories, present experiences, and future dreams of each person are inextricably linked to the objects that comprise his or her environment" (Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly. The Meaning of Things. Cambridge University Press. 1981.)

What I make in my studio is both the transformed material evidence of my past and a surrogate for the missing. I draw on images, objects, and memories to form reliquaries of unconscious associations.